Underwater
by christmasinacup
Summary: Joan needs a safe place to land, a sponsor, and a confidante that isn't her husband, so she turns to Annie for help. Expecting to teach Annie to learn from her mistakes, Joan finds herself learning as well. Some mentions of Arthur x Joan.
1. Chapter 1

I started this before Tuesday's episode, in which Annie disgusted me by becoming a totally horrid bitch, and ignoring Joan for the 50 billionth time. Anyways, I would love it if Joan and Annie eventually worked out their issues, and I still hold out hope for good times ahead. I hope you guys enjoy this story, and I find that listening to 'Underwater' by Joshua Radin goes well with the story.. mostly because that's what i wrote it too ;) Please review!

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"Annie, please, come in." Joan waved Annie into her office, sitting down on her couch. Annie nodded from the doorway, looking puzzled. She closed Joan's office door and sat next to her. For a moment, Joan just took a deep breath and looked at the young operative in front of her. Cleanly pressed blouse, pencil skirt, kitten heels… Joan saw herself fifteen years ago. Except Annie was stronger than she was.

"Annie, I wanted to talk to you about the ceremony last week."

Annie nodded and tucked a lock of golden hair behind her ear. She masked her guilt and tried to look as neutral as possible. She felt bad that she hadn't told Joan about sharing the intel with Eyal, and that she had a been a bit of a bitch to Joan at the party.

"Yes?"

"When I sad there were other reasons that I kept you from sharing the watch, besides intelligence reasons, I was speaking about something very personal," Joan started out, trying to keep her voice steady. She looked Annie directly in the eyes. "The truth is, when I mentioned falling into a pattern, I was talking about myself."

Annie looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"I was a young operative when I was in Nairobi," Joan admitted. "And I made some mistakes. Big ones." She took another deep breath and continued.

"I don't think you want all the gory details, but I got involved with a spy from a competing agency and it got messy. I started to abuse drugs, and when a colleague found out, he discreetly helped me join a substance abuse group here at the Agency. I started to get better, and he and I became romantically involved. The relationship faded, as did the addiction, and that's when I met Arthur."

Joan stopped and took a breath, watching Annie for her reaction. Annie was shocked. This was a side of Joan she had never seen before.

"I'm sorry, that sounds awful," Annie said gently. She looked at Joan. "Why are you telling me this? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it, but..."

"When Lena shot you and Simon, it struck me very hard. And then you were going to go to Russia, and I could sense you going down that slippery slope, where revenge is your only motivation. I thought giving you an active cover and money might help, but then you were captured, and I... I felt as if I had failed you. As much as I hate to say this out loud, I fell back into old habits."

"Are you abusing again?," Annie asked. Her soft tone was a mixture of worry and surprise. Joan nodded.

"Yes. My colleague, the one who helped me get back on my feet years ago, helped me re-enter the program. However, things between us have been getting complicated, and I need a new sponsor."

"Joan, I'm flattered, but why not Arthur?"

Joan sighed. "This place runs so many polygraphs and he is walking a very thin line right now. If I did something to hurt his career…" she broke off and ran her hand through her hair. "For now, he can't know."

Annie nodded. "Well, then I would be happy to be your sponsor. I wish you could tell your husband, though. He cares so much about you."

Joan looked surprised, and Annie smiled softly. "Last week, when I got home, he called me to his office to congratulate me on my safe return. He also told me that while you are shy about emotions, you were very distraught while I was in Russia. I could see in his eyes that your distress effected him, too."

Joan smiled to herself and shook her head slightly. "I love him very much, Annie. He can read me like a book, and the truth is, I'm afraid he thinks I'm having an affair with this former sponsor of mine. I want nothing more than to get better, so I can finally tell him everything."

"Does he know about the first time you were in this group?"

"No. I didn't meet him until about a year after I was out of it," Joan said. She looked at Annie. "I'm sorry, this must be a lot to process."

Annie shook her head. "Don't worry, Joan. I'm glad you told me. But I have something to tell you, and you might not like it."

"Oh?" Joan looked intrigued. Now it was Annie's turn to take a deep breath.

"I shared the intel from the watch with Eyal. I am aware that it was blatant disregard of your orders, but he saved my life, and he is my friend. I know this isn't what you meant by not falling into patterns, but –"

Joan held up her hand and cut Annie off.

"You don't have to explain yourself, it's alright."

"It is?"

"Yes," Joan nodded and smiled kindly at the young operative. "I was being paranoid, and I know he shared intel with you on Simon Fischer. As far as I'm concerned, you made a judgment call that you were qualified to make."

Annie was happily surprised. She looked at her boss, in a black sheath dress, with a tired look in her gray-blue eyes. Annie wished she could do something for her, besides be her sponsor.

"Joan, is there anything I can do for you?"

Joan shook her head. "No, but thank you, Annie. Actually… I think I'm going to go home early today. If Arthur comes looking for me, tell him I'm off campus, at a meeting."

Annie nodded and threw in a salute, to lighten the mood. It worked, because Joan smiled.

"Thanks again, Annie."

xxxx

"Knock, knock."

Joan looked up from her desk and saw Annie, in a red top and black pants, with an encouraging smile on her face. Joan just sighed.

"Ready to go?"

Joan nodded noncommittally and stood up, smoothing her purple sheath dress. She glanced at the picture of her and Arthur that sat on her desk before looking up at Annie again.

"Ready as I'll ever be."

They walked out of the DPD and down the hall silently. Joan hated that the door password was burned into her brain, that she could type it in with her eyes closed, but when they got to the meeting room, she knew they had to go in fast. She typed the code and pulled the door open, Annie following behind her.

The room was plain, unexciting. Brown and blue walls, a circle of gray chairs, and a small table with some pamphlets on drug addiction and alcoholism. Joan sat down quietly and Annie sat next to her, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear and looking around cautiously. Seth entered and Joan avoided eye contact. He sat down a few chairs away from her, at a respectable distance, and gave her the space she needed.

There was no leader of the group, due to the confidentiality of the things they talked about. So it was Socratic, and today, a kind woman names Alison started.

'Thank you all for listening to my story last week. I called my sister and told her everything, including where I actually work, and she's flying out today to come visit."

Everyone clapped for her, and she smiled, then looked at Joan.

"Joan, you didn't share last week. Would you like to go?"

Joan bit her lip, staring at the wall. "Maybe later."

Alison nodded and turned to Annie. "I've never seen you before. What's your name?"

"Annie," Annie said. "Oh, but I'm not... I don't have a…." She fumbled with her words, finally looking over at Joan. "I'm here with Joan."

"Hi, Annie," Alison said, the rest of the group chorusing behind her. Annie blushed.

"Tell us why you are here, Annie."

"Well, Joan is my boss, but she has always looked out for me. And even when we don't agree, I know she is only trying to keep me safe. I just wanted to be here for her, to return the favor. She is a truly amazing woman, and she inspires me."

Joan glanced at Annie and smiled, whispering a "thank you." Annie nodded and smiled back.

Fifteen minutes went by, and a tall man with dark hair named Michael talked out his alcoholism and how he was 4 months sober.

"When my son comes home from college, he'll be proud of me," Michael said with a grin. A few guys clapped him on the back, and he nodded. "I'm feelin' good."

The room was silent for a moment, and then Joan spoke up.

"Congratulations, Michael. Tyler will be so happy."

"Thanks, Joan."

"I'm unfortunately not as lucky as Michael," Joan said slowly. "I was clean for almost 9 years, and then a few weeks ago, I started up again. Painkillers and antidepressants. I've just feel so lonely lately, and I…" she trailed off "… I want to tell my husband, but because of how precarious his job is and the number of polygraphs we get around here, I don't think it would be right."

"But he loves you, Joan," a woman said from the other side of the circle. She had shiny red hair and looked about Annie's age. "Don't you think that he should be your husband first and your boss second?"

Joan nodded. "That's what I've been struggling with. But for now, I have all of you, and I greatly appreciate it."

Everyone clapped for Joan, and she caught Annie's eye. The young operative smiled and reached out to squeeze Joan's hand.

"Thank you," Joan whispered. Annie nodded.

"Anything."


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2! I wasn't planning to elaborate, but you guys seemed to want it :) I drifted away from Joan learning from Annie a bit... but I hope you like it anyway! Enjoy & review!

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Joan laced up her sneakers and pulled her blonde waves up into a high ponytail. Arthur was at work; when she woke up, there was a note on her bedside table from him, saying that he had a meeting. It was brief, as many of their conversations had been in the recent weeks. She sighed and picked up her iPhone, clicking to her David Bowie playlist as she made her way downstairs. She was filling up a water bottle when the doorbell rang.

Joan screwed the cap onto her water bottle and jogged to the door. She pulled it open and smiled when saw Annie.

"Come in," she said, ushered Annie into the foyer. Annie looked around in awe, having never been inside the grand Campbell estate before. Well, it really was just a large house in the suburbs of Virginia, but still.

"Wow. You have a beautiful home."

"Thanks," Joan said, grabbing her pink hoodie off of the couch and slipping it over her gray workout tank and black yoga leggings. Annie was in similar getup, with a blue tee, gray pants, and sneakers. She wore a half-zip Georgetown sweater that was slightly oversized and her hair was held in place by a thick black headband and a ponytail. She grinned at Joan.

"Ready for this?"

They had been running or going to the gym almost every day for the last 2 weeks, because Annie had read it was good for depression to get fresh air and exercise. Joan was slowly weaning herself off the pills, but it was hard. Having a buddy really was helping her.

Joan locked the door and then they took off down the street. The plan was to run 2 miles to the park, rest for half an hour, and then run back.

"So," Annie said as they started off at a jog. "Think you're almost ready to talk to Arthur?"

Joan bit her lip. "I don't know."

"What's holding you back?"

"I'm scared," Joan admitted, picking up her pace a bit. The faster she ran, the more the problems usually started to melt away. But not this time. "I love him, and I don't want to let him down."

"Joan, he loves you too," Annie said, matching Joan's pace. "I don't think there is anything you could do to disappoint him."

"I don't know…"

"Tell me this: how did you two fall in love?"

Joan smiled, remembering the first time she saw him. "I was assigned to Clandestine Services after I came in from the field, and when I walked into his office to meet my new boss, there he was. He had the most wonderful twinkle in his blue eyes, like he just heard a great joke. And he was sitting on the edge of his desk, reading a file. He looked up from the file, took of his glasses, smiled that charming grin, and said, "Well, you must be Joan. I hear you're quite a woman of mystery and intrigue." And I fell instantly."

"Aww," Annie said. She smiled. "That's so sweet."

"He was married at the time," Joan said, hoping Annie wouldn't judge her. "But it didn't stop me from endlessly working to impress him."

"So," Annie said. "You were drawn to each other with such power that nothing else mattered."

"I guess that's the romantic way to see it," Joan said with a laugh. "I viewed it more as being so head over heels that I let myself break some rules."

"All in the name of love," Annie declared grandly. Joan laughed.

"Sure, something like that."

They reached the park and Joan propped her left foot up on a bench and stretched her hamstring.

"So, let's talk about you," Joan said, artfully changing the subject. "How are you holding up? I know Russia was pretty difficult for you." She switched feet.

"It was," Annie admitted. But then she smiled. "It wasn't all bad, though. I met Simon's sister, and I got closure. Joan, I really could have loved him."

"I know," Joan said softly. She got down off the bench and put her hand on Annie's shoulder. "It's hard, and I am here for you no matter what. I didn't have anyone to help me."

"No one? Weren't you with Arthur last time you relapsed?"

"No. The last time it was this major, I did it alone. I sobered up, focused on myself, and met Arthur 4 months later. Having someone who loves you makes everything better. You'll have it again someday, I promise."

"Joan, I've seen what you have. I don't think that's coming my way anytime soon."

Joan laughed again and took a swig of water.

"No, but you can heal, emotionally and mentally, and all that crap."

Annie laughed. "All that crap? Thanks, Joan. That's deep."

"You know what I mean," Joan said. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Let me beat you on the way back?," Annie asked mischievously. Joan snorted.

"Yeah, right!"

They grinned at each other and took off running back towards the house.

xxxx

"Hello, I'm home," Arthur called, closing the front door. Joan got up from the couch and put down her _InStyle_ magazine.

"Hey, honey."

Arthur smiled when he saw her, which made Joan feel much better about what she was going to say. She pulled the sleeves of her white sweater over her hands and bit her lip.

"Hey, sweetheart, why didn't you come in today?," Arthur asked, putting down his briefcase and walking over to her.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about that…" Joan said slowly, looping her arms around Arthur's neck. She kissed him, and then took his hand and pulled him to the couch, sitting down.

"I have something to tell you," she said, taking a deep breath. Arthur looked interested.

"Yes?"

"There is no easy way to say this... Arthur, a few weeks ago, I relapsed."

Arthur looked shocked and worried. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't know how… you've had so much to deal with lately, and I didn't want to lose you."

Arthur took her hands in his. "Oh, darling, you will never lose me. I love you, and nothing will change that."

Joan blushed. "I don't know why I thought it would."

"Maybe because you're scared. A relapse is a terrifying thing if you've been sober for as long as you have."

Joan nodded. "Maybe. And I want to work it through with a therapist at the Agency, and Annie has been going to meetings with me as my sponsor…."

"That's all wonderful, honey. I want to be here for anything you need, so if you even _think_ you're having a bad day, please call me."

"But it's work, and that isn't appropriate..," Joan trailed off. Arthur shook his head.

"You are my wife, and you come first," Arthur said, placing a kiss on her lips. She smiled.

"Mmhhm, I like how that sounds," Joan murmured, kissing him back. He grinned.

"So, I know these things are hard to talk about for you," Arthur said, pulling Joan into his arms. "We can work through it as slowly as you want, just promise me you'll come to me if something goes wrong."

Joan nodded and kissed him again. "Want to help me flush the rest of my pills?," she asked coyly, arching an eyebrow. He laughed.

"Ooh, talk dirty to me," he laughed, standing up and holding his hand out to her. "My lady?"

Joan laughed and stood up, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"You know what?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"Really?," Arthur asked with mock surprise, raising his eyebrows. Joan nodded, a huge grin on her face. She leaned in, about to kiss him, and then pulled away. She let go of Arthur and ran down. After a few yards, she turned and motioned for him to join her.

"Coming?"

"Oh yeah," Arthur said, jogging to join her. He looped his arm around her shoulders and winked at her. "Got any other ideas to spice it up?"

"I may have some unread pamphlets on living with addiction," Joan whispered in his ear. "We can tear them to pieces."

Arthur laughed.

"Happy days are here again."

She nodded.

"To the bathroom?" Joan asked, a twinkle in her eye.

"Lead the way, dearest."


End file.
